“She came f*ckin’ UNGLUED!!!” were apparently his exact words. Meet my husband’s best friend, Jason, and his daughter, Jessie. Together they make one of the funniest pairings on the planet.

When I first met Jason we were at the beach and he and his wife, Christy, were just starting their plans for a family. I know this because Jason holds NOTHING back when it comes to sharing the good, the bad and the ugly of just about everything in life. I immediately liked Jason and not once in eleven years has he ever given me a reason to doubt that he’s a great guy. My all time favorite Jason quality is the fact  that he calls it like it is, without cherry coating the top, to whoever is in his sights … and his way with words is absolutely hysterical! As I said, Jason and fatherhood make one of the funniest combinations I’ve ever seen.

You’ll get to know Jason much better as this blog takes shape but for now I’ve got to share a story Chris passed along about Jason and his family’s Elf On The Shelf drama this past Christmas. I wish you could see Chris telling a Jason story, he gets himself crying with laughter, wheezing to the point of turning blue from lack of oxygen and can barely get two sentences out before falling into another round of hysterics.

A little background before getting started:

Jason and Christy have two kids. The oldest is Jessie, she’s 6 (maybe 7) and hands down she’s the cutest kid on the planet. Grayson has just turned two and because we live in different states I’ve never met Grayson but from what Jason shares he sounds like a pretty cool little guy. Jason and Christy seem to be pretty casual parents who are taking the parental learning curve in stride so Chris and I sincerely enjoy their company and never discourage conversations about the kids the way we do with parents who offer up (unsolicited), “oh my gawd, guess what, it was the funniest thing…” and continue to share even though you didn’t take a guess. Because Jason and Christy do make it a point to keep all the little kid beliefs like Halloween the Easter Bunny and Santa, as exciting as possible during the big celebrations, I do make it a point to ask how the holidays are shaping up and what the latest trends are for little girls…mostly because it’s so freaking hysterical to hear Jason talk about little girl things in his matter-of-fact way.

This is where the Elf On The Shelf comes in… one more thing, Jason does not cuss around the kids but when it’s an adult’s only conversation all bets are off. For the sake of the story I have to quote Jason because his words are truly poetic!

So Jessie is a buttoned up, by the book, “that’s not how you do it” little girl. She’s very smart and is always happy to share her very clear sense of right and wrong. About three years ago they started playing The Elf On The Shelf at Christmas. Unlike the mother’s I bitched about, Christy is pretty sane about simply moving The Elf from shelf to shelf and letting Jessie decide the level of “watchfulness” he is keeping over the family.  Apparently this was the year Jessie decided The Elf was serious business and “if it meant Santa might not be coming there was no frickin’ way in hell that kid was gonna let anyone in the house break the rules about that stupid Elf! Dude, she was crazy about the Elf rules!”  So Jason and Christy went about the regular routine without too much effort, moving the Elf around the house and letting Jessie keep track Last year, Christmas 2010, Grayson was too little to notice The Elf and because he never showed an interest it didn’t occur to Jason and Christy that there was a need to protect The Elf from the baby…(foreshadowing galore!)

So, on this one particular morning, Christy, not thinking about the baby’s reach, put The Elf on a low shelf.  As usual, Jessie ran downstairs, too excited for words, and searched the house up and down until she found The Elf and could relax knowing that he had in fact returned from The North Pole after reporting yesterday’s behavior to Santa – a very good sign. After watching the elf for a few minutes, Jason and Christy were able to coax Jessie to the kitchen to eat her breakfast before getting ready for school. All was normal and Jason was about to head upstairs to dress when he heard Jessie leap from table with a blood curdling scream. “DUDE, I didn’t know what the hell was up, my heart stopped and alls I could guess was she cut off a thumb or lost a toe. She was going CRAZY!!! And I was like sh*t, I gotta get this kid to the hospital! So I’m trying to catch her but dude, I couldn’t, she’s so quick!! So she’s jumping around crying to me while I’m trying to grab her to find out where’s she’s bleeding and the next thing I know she’s FLYING toward Grayson like a bolt of lightening. By this time I figured out she wasn’t bleedin’ but was PISSED OFF and I had no idea why…and dude, this is all happening in like 3 seconds and I’m still trying to wake up so it wasn’t a very good scene. Well all the sudden she stops short of her brother and stands there crying and wailing and pointing at him, and she is furious! I follow her finger and that’s when I see the baby, and he’s got The Elf and he’s just beating its head against the floor like it’s a f*ckin’ hammer! Dude, SHE… CAME…. UNGLUUUUUED!!!

“I seriously thought she was going to rip Grayson’s head off but she stood there, a foot short, just pointing at screaming for Grayson to stop… but that kid just kept beating the living shit outta that Elf. Oh my god, she was freaking out! But when I tried to take the doll away she freaked out even more because then I’d be touching The Elf too and then Santa really wouldn’t come …dude it was a nightmare! By the time Christy was able to get the elf from Grayson, come up with a some story about how it doesn’t count when babies touch The Elf and then get Jessie settled down, the morning was shot and we were all late for everything! Jesus Christ, dude, it was INSANE!”

And this is where the story ends. The vision of a 6’2″ bald guy playing Hot-Potato-Elf with an uncontrollable 7 year old and a clueless baby who’s slobbering all over the sacred Elf pushed Chris to the point of sobbing with laughter and no longer making sense. Even after he calmed down there was still no resolution to the chaos because in true guy fashion he never asked how the house was brought back to normal or how the Elf was rescued without the adults touching it. He got to the climax of the story and then started laughing… what is it about guys and pertinent information? Any who, I can only guess that Christy saved the morning and then made it a point to keep all Elf activity on higher shelves because Santa did make a stop at Jessie’s tree in spite of the severely beaten Elf.

Thinking about how I might have handled the situation and I’m pretty sure my motherly instincts would have told the child that all was well simply because there wasn’t a chance in hell that Elf had the strength to actually make it back to the North Pole to report the abuse.

S