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Apparently The Elf On The Shelf drives. Photo from lilbblueboo.com

I’m expecting this entry to land me on every mommy-blog’s naughty list for being sacrilegious about the holy grail of Santa proof, but I seriously think the whole frozen-elf-that-makes-cutesy-messes thing is some sort of bizarre (most likely antidepressant induced) mommy competition that uses the precious naivety of children to win recognition and ultimately become Queen Mommy of the mommy circles.  I’m the first to admit that I know nothing about the joys of motherhood but I do know a hell of a lot of insane women and there is no doubt in my mind that encouraging this Elf game is 100% certifiable…

Elf On The Shelf Rice Angels

Rice angels = huge mess in my book. Photo from lilblueboo.com

I get the book and the story and how sweet it is, but what I don’t get is this idea of busy people who already fuss about having too much to do (admit it, you’ve never heard a mother say she has free time), making random messes all over their houses and then turning around and cleaning them up… so the kids will believe in Santa. People, your kids already believe in Santa. Trust me, they believe in anything you tell them as long as gifts are involved… no reinforcement necessary.

Maybe I’d get it if the kids had to cleanup after the elf so he would have something good to report back to Santa, but that isn’t how it works. Instead, they get to have a little friend who comes into the house and causes all sorts of trouble. He bakes, spills, tracks in mud, breaks toys, scratches DVDs, tears up pillows (#2 on the 101 Elf On The Shelf Ideas), “parks the car backwards or down the street crooked” (#46)… ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? YOU PARKED YOUR CAR DOWN THE STREET FOR THIS GAME?? What’s the lesson here? He gets to make messes and do things your kids are (hopefully) punished for and instead of getting into trouble everyone laughs and giggles? Am I the only one who sees this as a mixed signal?  And how ef’ing insane is it for a grown woman to bring a tradition into her already crazy life that requires her to be up all night turning her home inside out? Where are the husbands in all of this?

I get the fun of having a little Elf that mysteriously comes and goes (from the shelf that is) but whichever mommy turned the Elf into a mean little shit that destroys the house deserves to be flogged with flocked boughs! And for the mothers who are keeping this “tradition” going, you’re already getting exactly what you deserve, 30 sleepless nights followed by 30 messes to clean up.

If this is what holiday motherhood has become then I’m going to say “Thank you Jesus!” for all the nights that I get to sleep tight during the holidays!


Stay tuned for the list of 30 (maybe 25, not sure I can come up with 30) things The Elf On The Shelf should do to Elf On The Shelf mommies.